i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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