i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
