Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
