So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize