I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
