chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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