Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
