I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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