just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
