Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
