U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
