I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
