3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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