I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
