i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
