high people should be assigned attendants
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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