Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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