The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize