did you get engaged???
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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