if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
