i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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