Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
