Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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