I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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