yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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