im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
