I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We left an ass print on the piano.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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