i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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