i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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