Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
