If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
