I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
