His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
