Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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