I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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