Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
