I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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