Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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