i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
