We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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