I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
