I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
