I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
