I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
