Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
