You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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