i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
