I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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