I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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