just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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