My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
