You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
