i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
