I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
