capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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