She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
