shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
