I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
