he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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