So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
