i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
