Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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