Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
