Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My vagina just clenched in fear
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
