you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
